As some of you may know, I’m currently living with my parents due to the fact that I’ve been having some financial difficulty and because I’m saving for my emigration to the United States. My life here with my parents have been quite pleasant but since my mother has left her day job to help me in my business as my personal assistant and sales agent, and since my grand parents moved in because they can no longer afford to live on their own things have become really unpleasant here. This is actually one of the reasons why I have decided to switch my routine so that I am up during the night and asleep during the day. That way I don’t have condescending religious freaks in my face all day.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my family dearly and I am grateful that I can stay here with them while I’m going through a tough patch in my life but isn’t that what family is supposed to do anyway, love and care for you or at least be there for you when you need them most? Do they have to make me feel guilty or scared to do anything wrong? I’m 23 years old and according to my way of thinking I should be out of the house, living it up independently but due to circumstances that seemed to have been out of my control at their time of occurrence I am here now, living at home, depending on my parents for many things, and hating every minute of it. It is perfectly fine when someone cares for you and wants to help you and actually mean it, but when someone only does something because they feel that they have to, not because they want to, it only makes you feel like a burden every single day.
I guess that the main reason why my folks aren’t really 100% supportive or why they don’t really care but just pretend to, its because of their religion, yes, religion can seriously fuck up a family. I am a proud homosexual and atheist. I do not believe in bullshit spewed from the mouths of the religious organizations and my lifestyle goes against everything that my parents believe in. My father is a pastor in the Seventh Day Adventist Church which makes things even worse. Since the day that I came out to my parents at the age of 13, things have been an uphill battle. I was even thrown out of the house once, but instantly accepted back in because of what the church would say if they found out that the pastor has chucked his own child onto the street, not very godly.
Earlier today I overheard my mother and grandmother discussing some religious things again and I just snapped. Living with this bullshit in my face all day every day kind of makes me go mad sometimes. Just as they expect me to let them be and leave my “unholy” lifestyle out of their face I expect the same from them, each to their own, you do your thing, I do mine, let’s just not throw it in each other’s faces. But unfortunately they constantly throw their bullshit in my face, saying things like “We know you will find the lord again” or ” we know that deep inside you still believe in Jesus” or some shit like that. Or they would say that they feel sorry for me because of the path that I have chosen or that I need the lord in my life every time that I show dismay. Today I snapped. I’m fucking sick of this lame ass bullshit. I decided to share the “Religion Is Bullshit” video with them. I said to my mother and grandmother “You always want me to look at your religious videos and listen to your bible versus so please just look at this one video for me, so that you can understand, in someone else’s words just exactly what I think of and how I feel about religion.” – My grandmother didn’t want to watch saying it will just upset her, my mother tried to postpone watching but eventually I pushed her to leave what she was doing and to sit down and watch the video with me.
After watching the video, she obviously had a lot to say starting with “I feel sorry for this man when judgement day comes.” and you can figure out for yourself what else she said, the same old same old bullshit religious crap that is spewed by all Jesus freaks. The conversation progressed into an argument about various things and came down to what it feels like for me to be living in this household, that it doesn’t feel like I am a part of the family and that they don’t treat me with respect, never take me seriously, and always put my brother before me because he is a happy churchgoer with a wife and a kid. Long story short, I told my mother that I feel neglected, that it feels to me like I’m only here because they have to take care of me, not because they want to, and that getting even the bare essentials from them since the day that I came out has been an epic battle. To which she replied; “you chose this life, we can’t condone it.” So I guess as much as I would like things to change and get better, they never will, at least not for as long as I remain in this house, dependent on my parents.
It’s high time that I take control into my own hands again and do whatever it takes to get out of here, which is what I have been doing since the age of 13. Yes I dropped out of school and lived with boyfriends, friends, on my own and all over the place since a very young age because home life with my parents just wasn’t an option. I guess me being back here is my way of trying to make up for lost time when they were supposed to care for me and provide for me, but even now, as always, everything that they do for me has to be paid back to them somehow, whether it is financially or physically. And when I complain about it I would hear things like “you’re 23 years old” or “We give you what we can, we cannot afford everything that you want” – I’m not expecting the world, and I know that I’m 23 years old but the reason why I am in piles of debt and blacklisted by the credit bureaux is because I have been forced to do everything for myself and by myself since I was 13 years old.
The only times I ever got anything from my parents was on my birthday, when I would get something like a R250 gift voucher for clothes. In mentioning this to my mother she disagreed and said that they do a lot for me, like what mom? Everything else you do for me financially always require my re-payment. Sure they help me with many things, but only if I repay them. There is never a time when I get help from them because they want to actually help me and because they actually want to “give” something, everything always requires repayment. In mentioning that to my parents they would respond with things like “but we cannot afford it.” to which I say “Then why did you offer in the first place, or why is it that whenever I need or want something you can never afford it, but when it comes to others in the family you usually purchase gifts on a regular basis or help with bill payments without expecting anything in return. For example when my nephew was born you would spend hundreds of rands on him every month with clothes and toys and gifts but when I asked for help to get a pair of pants or some shoes you never had money for it or you would help but only if I can pay you back?” – It’s not just like this because I am 23 now, it’s been like this since I can remember. My mother has a credit card for which she claims is all my debt and I am expected to pay the monthly installments. Sometimes it feels to me as if though the only reason she stopped working and became my assistant is so that I would have to pay her bills, that way I can’t just ignore it and let her pay, I actually have to pay otherwise it simply doesn’t get paid. But guess what. I’m not going to pay for anything anymore.
This is how things are going to work from now on:
If my parents expect me to respect their religion and way of life and not be myself or bring my lifestyle in front of their faces, I expect the same from them. One more religious remark from anyone in this house and hell is going to break loose. – I expect my parents to support me and make up for all the years of which I had to carry myself. I expect them to provide me with a roof over my head. I expect them to provide me with food. I expect them to pay for my education and I expect them to help me with all my bills and general necessities. – I will no longer pay for anything of theirs, I’m not going to pay their bills, their credit cards, their accounts. They offered to help me with these things so I will take it as actual help, not “but you have to pay us back now” because that’s really not what help is. In that case I could’ve just gone to the bank and used another credit card for everything, I wouldn’t have asked them for any help. – If this is too demanding and if they don’t want to accept or do anything that is stated here then guess what, I don’t give a fuck, but that’s how things are going to be from this point onwards. If you want to fight back or throw me out then do it. Let’s see how much you actually care and how much you really want to help.
If my parents actually end up reading this then I have only one thing to say to them. Mom, Dad, stop being such fucking hypocrites, stop pretending that you give a shit because you’re afraid of what the church will think if you just let me go. Be honest here, do what you would do if the church had no impact on your life, so that I can know finally and for sure if you really actually care and want to help, or if you’re just treating me out of pity because you think that I’m going to hell one day or you feel like you have to do this but you really don’t want to. I know that I can never ever get you to think for yourselves and that you’ll be blinded by the church and its religious bullshit for the rest of your lives but I have accepted that as long as you don’t shove it in my face all day every day. All that I want from you is to treat me as I should be treated, as your SON, and to be fair about it without judgement or pity. Stop being such self-righteous, know-it-all hypocrites with the “I’m better than you” or “I feel sorry for you” attitude because you think that you’re going to heaven one day. Sorry to burst your bubble but there is no heaven, there is no God. Now be honest and sincere in the way that you treat me, stop pretending that you care, either you do or you don’t, either you want me here or you don’t. Open up about that and let’s all do what needs to be done, thank you very much.
Now that I’m done venting for the day, let’s look at what my daily horoscope reading has to say, hopefully it will shed some light on the situation. In all honestly though I mostly believe that its just as lame as religion or any other superstition but I like to humor myself with what some random writer thinks will happen to me today, let’s take a look:
Cancer Daily Horoscope:
A bridge you burned in the past can be restructured now. Someone you clashed with at some point over the past two years or so has been thinking about you and wishing things were different. If you wish to reconnect, the stars are offering you that excellent climate in which to do so. Don’t allow a sense of awkwardness to prevent you from rekindling a friendship or romance that once had so much promise. If you can get past your discomfort, this could be the beginning of something wonderful.
Once again this seems completely irrelevant unless Sven Tyler has actually been thinking about me, good friend he was. I miss him at times. But I’ll brush that off because of personal issues, I hate being blamed and expected to pay for other’s mistakes. And don’t pretend to be my friend or offer your help if you expect something in return, real friends and family shouldn’t ever expect things in return, and they shouldn’t expect others to pay for their mistakes either. If you don’t know what I’m talking about don’t worry, an old friend does, an old friend which I miss dearly. Maybe one day we’ll re-connect, who knows.
That’s it from me for today. I have to get some work done, the usual: updating client sites, completing college assignments, working out, eating, and taking care of some things in Second Life. Thanks for sitting through this one and reading all about my life. Much Love. Till next time…
P.S. Stars / Universe / Astrology Writer, I’m still waiting for that fortune.
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