Merry Crisis and Happy New Fear!

Yeah, I know, we’re well past the festive season and into the new year; my post is late; I’ve missed the “party,” but time has never really been my thing. Autistic and ADHD time blindness is very real. Besides, I’m still processing the early 2000s. In my mind, I’m still a teenager, and the fact that it’s 2025 already is just a complete and utter mind fuck. I literally cannot comprehend what the fuck is happening. How is it 2025 already? How am I turning 38 later this year? What fuckery is this? Have I time-travelled or something?

And what the fuck am I doing with my life? How am I still living as if I’m half my age? Will I ever grow up? Probably not, but whatever. I’ve come to accept, love, and embrace my neurodivergence. I’m Peter Pan! If anyone has a problem with it, that’s your problem—don’t make it my problem. My life only appears problematic from a neurotypical viewpoint. It only feels problematic for me when I spend time with neurotypical people and mask to fit in—like I don’t belong here. I’m an alien on a foreign planet, and the way these humans do things is just bizarre—not my vibe, not my people, not my life. Hello, dissociation! Just let me be!

In all seriousness though, I’m well-aware of the movement of time, and it haunts me.

Now grab a cup of coffee, get comfortable, and pick up those reading glasses because it’s story time. I have much to share since my previous update…

The Nightmare Before Christmas

I haven’t left the house for an extended trip in quite some time, and for the past two years, I haven’t socialized in person with anyone other than my parents and one very brief lunch meetup with a local from Grindr (no, it wasn’t a hookup, it was just a meetup for lunch, like actual food and conversation during lunchtime—no sexy time).

My parents had planned to go and stay with my brother up in Gauteng for two weeks over the festive season. Due to my extreme social anxiety and difficulties dealing with family gatherings and large group settings, initially, I wasn’t going to go with them. I was just going to stay home and celebrate the festive season alone at home like I did last year.

This trip, however, presented an opportunity for me to go to Gauteng and be in closer proximity to the Steve Biko Academic Hospital in order to deal with the C word situation. I sent them an email requesting an appointment, and I was hoping that a check-up could be arranged sometime during the two-week stay. That way, I wouldn’t need to drive up to Pretoria specifically for a hospital visit and I wouldn’t need to rent a hotel room in order to sleep over there so that I can check in at the hospital early in the morning, as is required for public healthcare appointments. I could just drive through from my brother’s place, and if more hospital visits or treatments are required, I’d be nearby for two weeks to deal with all that. No need to drive back and forth between Limpopo and Gauteng. It was a good plan!

I also haven’t seen my brother, my nephews, my sister-in-law (and her side of the family), my aunt, and uncle from my mom’s side, or any of my friends that live up in Gauteng since 2022. It would be good to see them again, so even though I was anxious about the social interaction aspect and pre-dreaded the group setting, I decided to go with them for the two-week stay—to see my family, friends, and hopefully get an appointment at Oncology.

Sleepless Travels

As is the norm with my neurodivergent brain, whenever there is something scheduled, I cannot relax or sleep until that thing takes place. This means that I cannot sleep the night before a planned trip, or the first night in a new location, or the night before any large gathering or outing of any kind. It’s just impossible to quiet my mind before planned events or activities. I overthink everything, analyze every possible situation and outcome, and visualize it all in such a surreal way that when it finally happens, I often get déjà vu as if I’ve already done the thing or had the experience. That has been the case my entire life, and this time was no different. I simply couldn’t sleep the night before.

I was thinking about, analyzing, and visualizing the entire trip and the social interactions upon arrival. This kept me up all night. I was awake for well over 24 hours by the time we finally hit the road to make our way to Gauteng. My parents and my grandma went in one car, and I went in my own car so that I could have freedom of movement while up there.

I could’ve maybe gotten some sleep and driven up at a later time, but we decided to drive up together so if there are any issues with one car, the other is close by for assistance. And if I happen to be too tired, I could swap with my mom—have her drive my car while I snooze in the passenger seat of my dad’s car.

Despite my lack of sleep, I managed to make it all the way without having my mom take over driving, but I was beyond exhausted when we finally reached my brother’s place. All I wanted to do was get some sleep.

Time Travel Shock and Awe

Seeing my brother, sister-in-law, and my three nephews for the first time in three years was quite a shock. My brother is starting to look like my dad. My sister-in-law lost her arm in a traumatic K9 attack, and my nephews have grown so big that I nearly didn’t even recognize them. It felt like I’ve time-travelled into the future, and it was a bit of a shock. I took some time to adjust.

My oldest nephew is now in high school. He’s getting rather tall, and his voice is deeper than mine. That’s not at all how I remember him. The last time I saw him, he was a wee little fella. Now he’s this big, butch football jock. Like what is happening? What is time? My mind can’t comprehend. How are these little dudes growing up, but I’m still living like a kid, like nothing has changed for me?

Time moves fast. Everything changes. Everyone changes, grows up, and progresses through life. But then there’s me—still living as if I’m in my late teens with not much having changed other than me having a few newer tech gadgets since the last time they saw me.

I feel like I’m forever the perpetual child—Peter Pan, locked in Neverland, while everyone around me grows up, gets on with life, grows, lives, excels. What the fuck am I doing?

Being on the Autism Spectrum with ADHD is probably what’s keeping me in this perpetual state of adolescence. I’m often told that I don’t even look my age, but now that I’m on my way to 40 (I’ll be turning 38 later this year), my age is starting to show. I’m getting gray hairs here and there and fine-line wrinkles—the reminder that I am, in fact, growing up—or that I’m supposed to, anyway. Meanwhile, I still dress like I’m 18 and live like it too.

In my mind, it even feels like my oldest nephew is outgrowing me, like he’s getting bigger/older than me. This has all been such a mind fuck for me, honestly—both shock and awe.

Merry Christmas Crisis!

At first, I was looking forward to spending Xmas with my family since I haven’t seen them in a very long time, but my excitement was quickly replaced with overwhelming anxiety, sensory overload, social pressure, and hyperawareness.

What I did not anticipate was for my sister-in-law’s family to also stop by every single day. I do not know any of them closely and have absolutely nothing in common with any of them either. They talk about topics that are of no interest to me, discuss bizarre conspiracy theories, and they’re into music and culture that’s just not my thing. They’re also religious, homophobic, racist, and just not the kind of crowd I want to relate to. Add day-drinking into the mix (I don’t drink), and the entire situation becomes a bit too much for me to deal with. I ended up isolating myself in my nephew’s room for the duration of the festive season, only coming out to use the bathroom, or drive to get take-out from McDonald’s, or to go and park my car next to the nearby lake to relax for a bit.

Aside from the uncomfortable social aspects, my brother’s house is also a sensory overload nightmare. There’s just too much constant noise—loud conversations, loud music, noisy pets, noisy kids, and a parrot that constantly mimics all of those sounds. I was alone at my brother’s house one day—everyone went out shopping— but I didn’t even realize that I was alone because the parrot mimicked all their voices. Only when things started sounding a bit repetitive did I realize that I was actually home alone, and that it was just the parrot making it sound like everyone was still there.

It was good seeing my family again, but the festive season wasn’t really a holiday for me, and Christmas Day was mostly sensory overload and not much of a joyful family holiday.

Despite my family knowing that I’m autistic with sensory overwhelm, social anxiety, and difficulties adjusting to certain situations—no accommodations were made. I was just in a constant state of overwhelm and burnout throughout the entire time spent at my brother’s place. I had to get away from there, fast, and regain some calm and clarity.

Calm in the Countryside

My best friend lives in the countryside, in the Midrand/Centurion area. I haven’t seen him in a very long time either. I texted him about the overwhelming situation that I was stuck in and asked if I could visit him, and stay by him for a couple of days, at least until my parents decide that it’s time to go home. It was either that, or I was going to go back home to Polokwane on my own.

I’m glad that he agreed to let me visit him instead of me just being stuck at my brother’s place or going home to Polokwane. It was good to see him again, to catch up, and to relax in the countryside for a bit. I did end up feeling bad for inviting myself over to his place in the way that I did. I ended up having a meltdown the one night (at least in private), and I generally struggled to keep a set sleep schedule, which made things kind of awkward. Overall though, the visit was pleasant and peaceful. We talked a lot over shared interests and spent some quality time together.

I also played my friend one of my unreleased tracks that I feel still needs a lot of work. He said that it sounded good as is, and that I should just go ahead and release it. I think that I’m going to do just that. The plan is to release it sometime next month as I still need to have it mastered, and need to have enough money to pay for distribution through the music aggregator so that it’ll be available across all music download and streaming services. So, watch this space for a new release coming soon!

Happy New Year Fear!

I ended up spending New Year’s Eve at my friend’s place in the countryside because my parents decided to only go back to Polokwane on Jan 3rd. They also couldn’t fit all their luggage into my dad’s car, so it’s a good thing that I didn’t drive home yet.

The plan was then to drive back to my brother’s place on Jan 1st, spend two more nights there, then help my parents pack, and load whatever didn’t fit into my dad’s car into my car, then for us to drive back down to Polokwane together.

Throughout the entire festive season, I was waiting on Steve Biko to get back to me with a date for an Oncology appointment so that I can finally get some clarity on what is wrong with me--why do I have swollen lymph nodes? Did the cancer relapse, or is it due to my muscle injury? Or maybe it’s caused by vaping? Or all of the above? I have no idea.

I was hoping to get an appointment while I was still up in Gauteng, but unfortunately, that did not happen, so I entered the new year and went back to Polokwane, still not knowing what’s going on and still fearing the worst. I’ve already been through the chemotherapy process and really do not want to go through it again. Here’s hoping it’s not cancer again.

Hello 2025, I’m still here!

We’re now entering 2025. I’m back home in Polokwane, and despite all the shit that I’ve been through, I’m still hopeful and in love with life. I still have goals and dreams, and I’m not ready to exit existence just yet.

I’ve survived childhood trauma, a motorbike accident, failed suicide attempts, a debilitating breakup, cancer, and now I’m dealing with yet another cancer scare, but despite all this, I’m still here. Life is still beautiful and exciting for me. There is still so much that I want to do, see, explore, and experience. I’m grateful that I’m still here!

Finally, an appointment!

On Jan 17th, my mother finally got a call from Steve Biko confirming an appointment for me on February 10th at Oncology. I honestly thought they lost or discarded my file and that they’d never get back to us. I was even planning on going to Oncology at the Polokwane Provincial Hospital, but everyone who lives here, including the private GP that I saw here, advised against doing that. Everyone told me to go back to Steve Biko instead. And now, it’s finally going to happen!

Despite everyone’s advice to avoid Polokwane Provincial Hospital, I need to go there anyway for dental care and to find a new therapist for Autism and ADHD-related therapy and assistance. I’ll heed everyone’s advice when it comes to Oncology and go back to Steve Biko for that, but I can’t afford to drive up to Pretoria for every dental treatment or therapy session, so I have to find someone nearby for that—and since I cannot afford private care, my only option is to go to the provincial hospital for all that. I will try my best to get all of that sorted out before my trip to Oncology at Steve Biko in Pretoria.

I’m glad to finally have an appointment, but I’m once again stressed out and overwhelmed by the logistics of it all—getting there on time, getting enough sleep the night before, and being in the general area for follow-up appointments or treatments if need be, but I’m trying my best not to worry too much about it. I have until February 10th to try and transition into a normal daytime routine and to plan my travels and stays.

My parents will most likely accompany me to the appointment, so I’ll leave the planning and logistics up to them. Maybe they’ll find a place for us to stay for the night before and after the appointment, but even if I have to drive straight through from here, I will do that. Here’s hoping I can get into a daytime routine so that I’m not operating in overtired, sleep-deprived zombie mode when the time comes.

I’m once again just finding myself wishing that I already had a camper van. Then I could make my way over there well ahead of time, in my own time, and not worry about where to stay or where to sleep if I need to be around there for a while.

I’m just glad that soon, I’ll finally have some clarity as to what the fuck is wrong with me, and then I’ll do whatever needs to be done in order to resolve it because, like I said, there’s still so much that I want to explore and experience. I’m still very much in love with life and looking forward to resolving this situation and getting back to focusing on (and working towards) my goals and dreams.

Thank you for reading my blog and thank you for your support!

#Personal